Time stamp

(2012 -2013)

As we drove on El Camino Real, California at 7 pm on a February night; it hit me. The vacant streets and the similar looking strip malls spaced out at every 1 mile made me feel  lonely and a little scared. A strip mall typically comprises of a grocery store chain, a nail spa, a Mexican or Thai restaurant, a dental office and a huge parking lot with a very few cars. As the light changed green,  my husband said that he loves his new car and the speed it revs at. It was a feeling I can never describe. I was lonely outside that car and inside as well. Anyway,  since my brother and I have been taught as kids to be strong and face every situation I just let the thought pass. My new defense mechanism to overcome this sense of fish out of water was to talk about the past memories. That’s exactly what I did; started chatting with my husband about our Oracle days in Bangalore. He just listened with his occasional ‘hmmm’;

The days went by with the usual routine of cooking, job hunting , talking with mom and watching Hindi movies on YouTube.  On weekends we would hang out with a few of my husbands colleagues. The theme was men discussing office politics, women cribbing about the amount of work they have to do without maids and how difficult it is to find a job in California. A few rounds of drinks ,women showing off their culinary skills and by 12  we all bid our goodbyes and came back to our apartments. “Oh its 12 am in California, so will be morning back home. Let me call mom and chat with her”.

The job hunting spree was the most daunting task of them all. Along with the pressure of finding a job, there was and additional headache of figuring out on maps the train and bus schedule to get to the interviews. Dressed in formals and heels, I would walk to the train station . The trains were crowed due to the rush hour but unlike my previous train experiences in India where people are chatting and eating with other, here everyone was glued to their devices. They would look up only to show their ticket to the conductor or when their stop arrived. Since, then I was still not as addicted to my phone as now, I would look out of the window. I would see the same set of similar looking houses and strip malls but this time they passed by even faster.

Both my husband and I will never forget our first trip to Ikea. Back in Kuwait, Ikea shopping used to be fun. I would absolutely love it. But shopping in Ikea, Palo Alto was mechanical just like everything else here. We still hadn’t bought a car so had taken the bus. While returning we went and stood at the bus stop near Ikea to get back home. It started pouring heavily and both our phones were dead. All the bus services had been suspended due to the heavy showers. It was 9 pm and there was not a single soul on the road. We walked 1 mile to the nearest gas station, borrowed a phone from someone and called a taxi. The cab came after 1 hour. All the time I remembered how scared we both were.

California has beautiful beaches, the light blue pacific ocean has marked its beaches on the entire stretch of CA-1. On one such time, we both were sitting on the beach and my husband is like you know Japan is one the other side of this ocean. And I just thought I wish I could swim to Japan and be closer to my home.

Our first visit to the Golden gate bridge and San Francisco was fabulous. We had got there partially by train, foot and a taxi. While we walked on the bridge and marveled at the state of art architecture, just one thought came to me. My dad must see this bridge.

(2013 – Present)

After the first year of the settling phase , we started experiencing the comfort and luxuries this country can offer. We travelled within the country and outside, stayed at the best of hotels, ate at the finest restaurants. We have partied till wee hours of the morning, made new friends, moved on from the old ones. Our parents have visited us, we decorated our house, celebrated thanksgiving and Diwali.  Everything has changed from the initial days in this country. Except the sense of loneliness which I had felt on that chilly February night. It follows me around.

But since nothing is constant and everything changes, I am waiting for the next chapter of my life. Like they say ‘Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost’.

Conversations Over 'State' Borders

The title of this dormant blog needs to be modified.

Life changes, location changes, changes in general petrify me. There is something about the comfort of knowing your surroundings that puts the mind at ease. Or rather, frees the mind to think about other things. Isn't that what they teach you in pilot and military combat training? Sense memory et al. Familiarity to such an extent that it becomes part of your being. I kinda like that.

But resistance to change is a futile attempt in some ways, especially if the change in question has been initiated externally. Like the weather. You resist. You die. You adapt. You live. Survival mode initiated.

Run. Far. Away.
Face Consequences.
Stay. Change.
Face Consequences.

Life is not complex. Our minds are.
And that's a wonderful thing.

No one has ever revered the easy. Not even a lay.

Do you believe in timing? I do and don't. I think that effort needs no perfect timing but the result does.

These days life has become a chore. The future is hazy. Just a couple of years back I used to be this driven and passionate person. Failures used to make me strong and success would satisfy me.

After coming to the United States I started off with the same chutzpah but repeated failures and insignificant successes broke me somewhere. Now life seems like a something where I am putting up a happy face for the people and sometimes to my destiny lest it feels I am ungrateful. I used to be a dreamer. I had my own little fantasies . Now I don't dream anymore. I have nobody who I can share my dreams with.

Sometimes I want to pack my things off and call it a day. Its not that I am scared to take that step on accounts of uncertainty or hardships. But I think what stops me is a hope that I get back the twinkle in my eye and that hop in my walk. What if I don't and I become just like every other woman putting everything else before her happiness. 

Can two people who want different things in life live happily ever. Or is there always compromise and unhappiness with unfulfilled desires? Do they intersect at some point and call it truce?

As of this day I am sitting in this dull colored office with no love and home where I can go back to. What I do have is materialist comfort and technology which connects me to my loved ones. But is that enough? Especially for someone like me who has forgotten what happiness is.

Hmmm....get ready to be showered with more of my twisted theories.

So, I am a jack of all master of none kind of person. And that really sucks. Because I am not great at anything. I cannot say 'hey that's my thing' or ' I know what I am doing'. Things which make you feel confident. But the good part is I accepted this early in life.
Now is it really a challenge in today's fiercely competitive world where T-shaped people are in huge demand.
Hell, yeah it is. I am not moving up the ladder career wise because I get bored easily and keep shifting my profession.
But its alright I guess. There is always a need of an audience. And I am the back-row sitting. comment passing, beer guzzling kinds.

So using this 'special' trait of mine I would like to shed some light on the Facebook era.

We were all teenagers once upon a time and my teenage hood  was typically about Navarathri nights, falguni pathak's mushy sweet songs, JLo, crushes, snobbish behavior which was basically a cover for my defensive attitude, 'velagiri' with Apeksha. Fashion was short tight tops (neon was the color), layers or razor haircut, platform heels and lots of kajal.
But today these facebook and instagram obsessed teenagers are like miles ahead. They put up pictures with their girlies , showing just one smoky eye, or just the bangs, or a selfie with  pouting lips and popping hip.
Narcissism has been taken to a different level. And they are just 16-17 year olds. At this rate they  will suffer quarter life crisis at the age of 19.

Technology is bringing the world closer. But washing the dirty laundry on sites like Facebook is blurring all boundaries.  Anyways who am I to judge. We all are silly , dying for attention, and sometimes just want to tell the whole world how pretty we look in our LBDs.

#bored #facebook # haha

Its been more than a year since the two of us have posted anything. Not that anybody cares but it just reflects poorly on us and our discipline.

So, in 1 year what has changed...

1) More positive
2) More settled
3) Better hair I guess
4) Don't get drunk with two pints anymore. Maybe 4 or 5
5) Come in terms with the hard reality that the US job market sucks
6) Driver now of the 4 wheels and 2 doors (no 4 doors)
7) Tried them all but concluded that tandoori chicken is the best

Basically there have been ups and improvements

Sometimes , I think that  blogs are dead now. At least for people like us who write nonsense and sing personal lullabies. With Facebook and oh so much of it taken over all modes of communication, why write and tell...just like and express.

But I mainly blog for my friend Apeksha. No one I know can express themselves in writing better than her.

This much is good enough for a 'long hiatus but back to blogging' post.
Next ones will  hopefully be better musings..
 

tinnie 28

Apeksha is so filmy and melodramatic. I think the heat has got on to her.
But I like the fact that she uses the office restrooms to find relief in more than one ways. :)

She is an intelligent women but her trigger point is yet to be found. The day that happens and if the universe is aligned to her favor, I would be the luckiest person to be her best friend.

Anyway, so for next month my goal is to drive on the US roads. So henceforth my posts are going to be basically on updates that hey I figured where the break is or the indicator for right is to push the indicator upwards...
Yay!!
what fun. I love challenges..seriously i do!

Be Happy

My friend has been insisting I write here, so here goes:

It really is scary to look at a blank white screen with the cursor blinking ominously. Its telling you your life is a series of blinks - each second counts; and then it doesn't.

Shabri has been agonizing over getting a job there. I have a job here and I am agonizing over getting out of it and into a better one. What does this say about us? Are we fundamentally unhappy people? Or do we get to lay the blame on situations and walk guilt-free?

They say that the only person who can make you happy is YOU. As a bumper sticker it works - it does have truth in it. For the past few weeks, I have been trying to live it , and boy, is it tough!

My mind tells me I am stuck in a shit job with no benefits AFTER getting a world-class degree. I start feeling useless and unappreciated. Tears start rolling. I stop what I am doing and start introspecting. I ask the quintessential question - WHY ME? I get no answer. I cry some more. I think about those less fortunate than me. Those who have a limb less than me. Those who have a meal less than me. I still feel terrible. I tell myself to stop crying. To stop questioning. To start living. I wash my face. I take a deep breath. I smile at myself in the mirror. And I walk out of the restroom back to my office seat. I start writing. I feel happy. My life is in my hands. I can do this. I can change. I will change.

Pause. Rewind. Repeat.